Lower Your Voice

Listen to Audio

One of my sons would often say to me when I came through the door or while we were talking on the phone, “Dad, you’re being so loud.” I didn’t think I was being loud, so I tried not to take it personally. But over time, I realized that what mattered wasn’t my perception—it was that I was loud to him.

Our volume matters when we communicate with our kids, and not just in moments of discipline.

I’m naturally a loud talker—the kind of guy who usually doesn’t need a microphone to address a crowd. But I’ve found that with my kids (and my wife), my loud voice can create a barrier instead of building connection.

I’m sure there’s a good scientific explanation for it, but here’s what I’ve learned: when I talk softer, my family listens better.

Here are a few examples:

• Discipline situations. The louder I am, the more defensive my kids become. Raising my voice seems to push them away, while a lower volume reaches their hearts better.
• Telling a story. I tend to start loud and just get louder. But when I start at a reasonable volume, my family is more interested in the story, and occasional increases in volume make it more engaging.
• Giving instruction. When I give instructions loudly, my kids tend to look around to see if anyone else is listening. It can embarrass them or distract them from what I’m actually saying.

Make a point to let your words matter more than your volume, and see if your kids—and your spouse—start listening more.