The Four Stages of Competence

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I remember many years ago, I was coaching youth baseball with a friend, and he shared with me the concept of the Four Stages of Competence:

1. Unconscious Incompetence: At this stage, we are not good at something, and we don’t even realize it.
2. Conscious Incompetence: Here, we become aware that we are not good at something. We see our shortcomings.
3. Conscious Competence: In this phase, we start to improve. We are getting better at a skill, but it requires a lot of concentration and effort to execute it well.
4. Unconscious Competence: Finally, we reach a point where we can perform the skill effortlessly. It feels natural, and we don’t have to think about it anymore.

In baseball, this is why major league hitters make hitting a 95 MPH fastball look so easy. They’ve practiced their swings thousands of times, so it has become second nature. They can focus on the pitch rather than their mechanics.

Now, what if we apply this idea to parenting? Our goal should be to guide our children toward Unconscious Competence—where they instinctively do the right thing because it has been ingrained in them.

Is this possible? Absolutely!

For instance, our family embraced the concept of Siblings as Best Friends early on. Someone challenged us to consider the value of sibling unity, so Suzanne and I decided to prioritize this as a key value in our home. Initially, our kids didn’t even realize they were struggling with sibling relationships. They just reacted out of frustration. Over the years, however, they became aware of their challenges. They began to consciously work toward building a friendship, and now, it’s a natural part of their interactions.

Much like watching a major leaguer hit a home run effortlessly, we now experience the joy of seeing our kids invest in one another instead of fighting.

What areas are important to you and your family? How can you work toward achieving Unconscious Competence for your children in those areas? When your kids start doing the right things without thinking, family life becomes so much smoother and more enjoyable.

If you’re unsure how to develop this kind of competence at home or want resources to help you, check out our guides, Building Family Relationships and Creating Family Culture (you can find special pricing at Crazy Cool Family). We provide key concepts and practical steps to help make it happen!