We recently did a conference and opened up some parents’ eyes to new ways to connect with their kids. One parent asked this question:
“My grade school son is consistently dishonest with us. This problem has been going on for over two years and we have tried positive rewards and consequences and neither seem to be making an impact. What would you recommend?”
Here was our response to the parent (and to you as well if you are having this issue at home):
First of all, lying/dishonesty is common. You are not alone! It’s also not uncommon to deal with it in a child over a number of years.
That being said, dishonesty is usually due to desire for approval, insecurity, perfectionism, or lack of trust in relationship. One or some or all of these factors can play a part in dishonesty.
When he lies, we would recommend doing your best to try to ask questions to get to the root cause of the lying. Why does he feel like he needs to lie? What would make him feel like he could tell the truth?
Finally, I told my kids — and I think I backed it up with my actions -- that the consequences for lying would be worse than whatever they did. Not in terms of yelling at them, “Don’t you lie to me!” but rather sitting them down and firmly telling them, “The truth is super important to me and super important to the high value we put on trust and relationship. I want to always trust you so telling the truth is a key part of that trust. So….if you lie to me, there will not only be consequences for the lie, but I also have to reduce your freedoms because of the trust issues.”
Once lying starts, it can become difficult to reverse the habit but it is possible. Work on finding the root cause and valuing trust in the relationship.
And remember one last thing – be honest yourself in all your dealings with people. Do you handle difficult situations truthfully? You can only set the standard for your child you are wllling to set for yourself.
