Failure is not optional. It is essential.
We learn so much from failing. I didn’t say we were a failure. I just said we failed. We tried something and it didn’t work, and we learned from our failure.
There is so much power in failure in our parenting. So much learning. So much relationship development. So much confidence-building.
How? By letting our kids fail. By even consciously setting our kids up in situations where they can succeed or fail on their own.
We keep our kids from failing with the best intentions. We don’t want them to fail. We want to show them how it’s done. We are older and wiser. And we overdo it and take away the joy of overcoming in life.
The two-year-old wants to climb up the slide and then slide down. We tell them, “No, that’s dangerous. Let’s go up the stairs.” Why not let them climb up the slide but be there for them so they won’t fall off? And then praise them like crazy when they get to the top!
What if we just let the eight-year-old play baseball without giving them three instructions as he is batting? “Get your feet right, get your bat up, watch the ball!” He’s already been taught. Now cheer for him and let him go up there and succeed or fail on his own. And remember, most kids get out in baseball more often than they are safe so don’t agonize over every swing and every at-bat and then tell him how he can improve every time he does not reach base.
What if instead of not letting the teenager go out with friends, we agree on some parameters and tell them we want to trust them with the responsibility? Then we have a discussion about it when they get home.
Are you getting the idea? We want you to rethink the way you see failure. It’s not that we don’t protect. We don’t let them run wild. But we do look for situations to help them grow and learn. And there has to be a chance of failure at some level for there to be a chance to grow and learn.
And then when they fail, don’t lecture. Ask them, “Why do you think that happened? What do you think you should do differently?” Praise the success — not with “See, I told you that would happen!” but with “Wow! You did it!” and then ask questions to help them learn through the failure or success. Now we are developing confidence in them and relationship with us.
