Instances vs. Trends

I was talking to a dad at a men’s conference, and he asked me this question….

“My five-year-old son said a bad word. How should I respond to him?” 

(I won’t say the bad word he said here but let’s just say it has to do with bodily function.)

I asked him, “Is this the first time he said it?” and he said yes. 

How do we Crazy Cool Parent that situation?

Hear from Don in today’s Daily Practice! 

Let me introduce to you – as I did to him – the concept of instance versus trends.

The first thing to do here is ask the child – not harshly – if he knows what the word means. Then you can explain to him why the word is not used toward people or when we are angry. The context can be hurtful to us or to others and we do not want to hurt others. This is a discussion, not a reprimand. No punishment is needed here either.

Then let’s say it happens again. When we are trying to change things in our own lives, how many tries does it take? Do we change immediately or does it take a few tries? Same with our children. If it happens again, we remind him what we talked about – again, not harshly – and we let him know this can’t continue to happen. Again, this is not the time for punishment. Yet.

Then it keeps happening and maybe this time he knows it’s wrong, but he has a defiant spirit.  Now it’s not an instance any longer, but a trend that needs to be corrected. We match his defiance with our firmness – again, not harshly (see the trend for us?) – and we tell him we will have to have a consequence for the repeated behavior. 

This concept applies to so many issues in parenting. Maybe they usually do good in school but then forget an assignment. Maybe they are usually kind to their siblings but then they yell at them in frustration. 

So often our parenting mistakes and harshness are due to overreaction. Many times, we jump on issues too harshly and out of fear. Our overreaction doesn’t fix the problem, but it makes the child want to keep doing the behavior AND hide it from us. 

When we approach these issues with the concept of instances versus trends, it helps us to gain the heart of our children and more effectively correct the behavior.