The Power of Questions

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What Culture Are You Creating in Your Home?

In her book, Before You Split, Toni Nieuwhof says: “I’ve heard it said that ‘home is where you learn to love,’ but for some people, it is more accurate that ‘home is where you learn to hide.’”

This statement is powerful—not only for marriage but also for the culture of our homes. Consider these important questions:

What is the culture like in your home? Are you creating a space where your kids feel safe enough to talk openly? Or... are you creating a space where they hide out of fear of anger or disapproval?

A Simple Shift to Change Your Family’s Culture

One simple way to change the culture in your home is by using open-ended questions instead of accusatory ones.

Here’s a comparison to illustrate the difference:

Accusatory Questions: These sound judgmental and can push kids away. Examples include:

• “Where have you been? We were worried sick about you!”
• “What were you thinking?! Did you take 2 seconds to stop and think how that would hurt us and damage your reputation?”
• “How many times do I have to nag you about this? Are you ever going to learn?”

These questions feel heavy, full of judgment, and can build walls between parent and child.

Open-Ended, Curious Questions: These are humble, non-judgmental, and create connection. Examples include:

• “Hey, how’s your day? What have you spent your time on? I’d love to know!”
• “Can you help me understand your choice? What train of thought led you to that decision? I genuinely want to know—no judgment.”
• “What can I say to help you grow in this area? I want you to learn, but it feels like we’re disconnected. I’m here to help—help me help you.”

These questions foster trust and show that you care and want to connect. They create a safe space for kids to share their thoughts, feelings, and struggles.

We Have the Power to Change the Culture in Our Homes

Here’s the good news: Parents have a powerful influence on the culture in our homes. If you feel like the culture in your home isn’t working or doesn’t feel safe, you can change it. It starts with how you communicate.

Let’s aim to create homes where everyone learns to love instead of learning to hide.

We can make the choice to ask questions with humility, patience, and understanding.

Which questions resonate with you? How are you shaping the culture in your home? Let’s choose connection over judgment and love over fear.